How much energy should you put into behaving based upon what others think? How much effort goes into doing something a certain way or not doing something so that people will think a certain way of you? I think one of my problems is that I put too much effort into this, or I simply bottle up and I don’t let any information about me leak out. I’ve been told I’m a good interviewee… interviewing is pretty much all about putting on a show and giving the impression that you know your stuff and you’re confident and would fit well into the group you’d be working with. Maybe I’m too used to doing this and too much of my focus in life is put into making other people’s opinions of myself satisfactory to me.
Maybe I do this to God too. I’ll do something, pray something, say something, think something in order to “make God think I’m a good person.” I know it doesn’t work this way and all I’m doing is lying to everyone including myself, but that’s the feeling I get sometimes. Being a “good person” isn’t even enough, I know that too, but I probably still try to convince God of this “fact” to gain his favor.
Sometimes, I can’t tell if my actions are truly genuine or if I’m acting under some ulterior motive. Am I doing something just to feel good? Or just not to feel bad? To make someone think I’m a good person? To make someone not think of me badly?
Ah well, thoughts to ponder, and character to improve upon…
On a lighter note, this song is dedicated to OMan, wishing that he finds his very own Liv Tyler on the oil rig:
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you’re far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing” - Aerosmith
Ahh, good ‘ole petroleum engineers saving the world from complete doom.